Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

The prophecy is fulfilled

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

You sure about that?

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.