pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*