Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity