Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

edward fingerhands

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.