[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
you have three unread messages
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.