Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.