Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions