[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
(yawn)
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
