Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
is nasa ok
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*