@MartinUrbano
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
@InternetHippo
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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@MartinUrbano
@ericsshadow
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
@wolfpupy
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
@LuvPug
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
@Parkerlawyer
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
@dazedandsincere
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
@causticbob
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
@DwellerLake
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
@Ideal_Victoria
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
@JakeSocial
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.