Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really