Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised


“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.


people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle


If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.


Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”


My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?


I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.


For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.


Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.