@InternetHippo

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

You Might Also Like

@MartinUrbano

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

@ericsshadow

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

@Parkerlawyer

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

@dazedandsincere

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

@Ideal_Victoria

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.