Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

The photographer’s assistant

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items