Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You Might Also Like
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
The French word for sex is croissant.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples