Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”