Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

$4 #usedbooks

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.