Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

How funny!

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.