Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
You learn something every day
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
