Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything