Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.