Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

what the

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo