Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

“That’s what” – She

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it