Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

i spent way too long on this

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.