Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog