@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

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@Dank_Pal

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

@PaperWash

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

@mommajessiec

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

@SondraDeeMe

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which