@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

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@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@WilliamAder

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

@MomOnFire

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

@SuperApple80

1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

@Havish_AF

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

@shawnspree

Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.

@SamuelSaulsbury

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”