[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?


“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”


me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down


My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”


As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.


ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.


A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.


Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.


party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which