[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Unexpected Judgment
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
What flavor cupcake are these
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!