does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.
CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world wants you to stop looking at your phone and drive.
Her: lemme see your phone
Me: I forgot my fingerprint .
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”