Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.
CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which