[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good