Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So true for me

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.