Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.