[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
