[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.



*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.


dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?


I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.


Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.


Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.


Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.


1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –


my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life


Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.