Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
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If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I’m dating a 22 years old.
Dane Cook: hold my beer.
Dane Cook’s girlfriend: I can’t.
Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside