@SimplySnaccbar

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

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@3sunzzz

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

@Robert_Beau

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

@AbbyHasIssues

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

@Adyaces

Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

@Iwriteforcats

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@KentWGraham

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.