[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
LMFAOOOO
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
