Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again