[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
lot going on here, legally speaking.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
