Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.