Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.