Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.