Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.