Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Confused owl: What?!
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later