Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
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my mind
You just read my mind
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.