Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
lol
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”