Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Ugh but profoundly

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.