Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour