Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
When I snag the last meatball.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Split the bill
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”