Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

Sunday

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!