Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Story time

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

I learned about self care from watching my cat.