Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*