Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do