Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.