#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
We avoided this particular disaster
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good