Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭