Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*