Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.