Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”