Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
gentlemen, hear me out
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Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything