movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
You Might Also Like
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*