Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.