movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
