movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Always…
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’M CRYINGGG
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
