me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
#winning
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
LOOOOOOL
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER