Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox