Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

the battle rages on

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore