Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

thinking about this

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*