Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
