Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.