Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party