Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”