Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

i meant to share this earlier

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects