Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Facebook Twitter
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?