Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.