Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

i want enemies

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.