Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I mean…but I did

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.