Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.