Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

that lip filler tho

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police